Ridiculous title, I know. Clearly I’m reaching for some light work on a somewhat underwhelimg college football Saturday. I don’t know why ASU is on TV anymore by the way but they are boring my eyes out. Can’t wait to watch the Ducks get run over by a peeved off USC squad… (by the way when is Separation Saturday, I love when they try to theme the weeks).
Anyways, you all will bear the fruits of my boredom. I couldn’t resist talking about this. Perennial underachiever Jared Jeferies fractured his leg a couple days ago. I did not find this to be a big deal at all. I’m certain you did not find this to be a big deal. Let it roll off my brain immediately. This is Jared f’n Jeffries we’re talking about here. Just like I shoulder shrugged when Raef got surgery, I double shoulder shrugged on Mr. Jeffries. I mean this is one of the worst players in the league (behind Antoine Walker who is permanent champ until retirement). Jeffries is probably one of the most underrated worse lottery picks in the history of the draft. You all can comment and try and talk me down but damn. This guy’s making $5 million a year? He can barely average 5 points a game!
Hang on with me I promise this gets kind of nutty. If you didn’t click on the link (and I know you didn’t) here is what was stated by Frank Isola:
“Jefferies had looked impressive in camp and was emerging as the possible starting center in Mike D’Antoni’s up-tempo offense before landing awkwardly and breaking his left leg.”
Say what? Jared Jefferies…impressive….possible starting center??? No, no. This must be a mistake.
Then comes the news that Jared Jeffries is thinking about buying a hyperbaric chamber. My first thought was really? They’re still asking Jared Jeffries questions? Yes, apparently Knicks reporters are avoiding Marbury and Z-Bo so much that they felt the need to ask Jared friggin’ Jeffries about this. But I disgress. Before I could put this in my ‘irrelevant’ folder, Mitch Lawrence dropped this nugget.
“A day after breaking his left fibula, the Knicks’ projected starting center says he could miss two months”
It went from possible to projected. Is Eddy Curry alive? Did he eat himself past Shawn Kemp? Did Mike D’Antoni inject Curry with the flu and told him not to come back until he lost all the way by throwing up? Did D’Antoni fall asleep and confuse Jefferies with Boris Diaw?? Did he forget that Diaw worked because Amare wasn’t around? Did he forget that Zach Randolph is like a less athletic, grumpier, more ballhoggy (invented words rule) version of Amare? Was Steve Nash involved in some sort of prank call??? What’s going on!! How was Jared Jeffries a projected starter in 2008???
It gets better.
His inspiration? Mr. Terrell Owens himself. That’s ok, TO did use one and came back against most odds in the Super Bowl. But how do you Mr. Jeffries know TO?
“We know each other through Brand Jordan (a division of Nike),” Jeffries said.
Say what??? Timeout….Jared Jeffries is with Brand Jordan? No way. No freakin’ way. Really MJ??? Really?? I can forgive drafting Kwame Brown. I can forgive the overpriced jeans. I can live with playing a charity softball game whilst smoking a stogie and wearing ripped up jeans. I looked past all your questionable basketball “decisions”. Being caught with Charles Oakley and (insert random female). I’ll even forgive you allowing Eddie Jones and Derek Anderson to be on Brand Jordan because Eddie Jones was an All-Star and Derek Anderson was cool (and pretty good) before Juwan Howard took his soul and he came to Portland to continue the ‘We were good before but we suck here’ legacy that Shawn Kemp created. But Jared Jeffries? Come on. Come…..on.
This can’t be true.
So I go straight to the Brand Jordan website and clicked on Team Jordan. Sure enough, the 14th athlete in is Mr. Jared Jeffries himself. How…..how….how did this happen? Did he blackmail MJ??? Hold him at gunpoint? Maybe I’ve been drinking too much MJ Kool-Aid but isn’t this the equivalent of pissing on the Jumpman logo. Hell…this made me investigate. If Jared Jefferies is on Team Jordan…who else is?
Chris Paul, Ray Allen, Melo…ok worries gone…
Rip Hamilton…he’s still good… Josh Howard…no comment. Bibby, Joe Johnson. I can live with that.
Michael Finley…ummm…uhhh….that’s ok…lifetime membership I guess…ditto with Quentin Richardson and Eddie Jones.
Derek Anderson…
Wait. Derek Anderson is STILL on Brand Jordan??? He’s not even in the League anymore!! No wonder MJ let him hobble around on the Bobcats for a while last year. Let’s keep digging…
Fred Jones….Bobby Simmons…. JUWAN HOWARD??? You can’t tell me MJ did not approve of these decisions at a club at 3:45 AM. You can’t. Impossible. Fred Jones, Juwan Howard and Jared Jeffries don’t get on Team Jordan without MJ saying the words ‘Yeah, yeah whatever that’s fine’ and hanging up the phone while sipping on something, wearing expensive jeans, watching Oakley dance and wearing a shirt with some skulls on it.
Ahman Green, Dre Bly and a track runner named April Holmes also appear on Team Jordan.
Team Jordan lightweight sucks.