Oklahoma City Thunder?? Not so fast…

A week ago it seemed certain that the new Oklahoma City franchise was to be named Thunder. Not so much anymore (damn you Oklahoman). USA Today reported that the NBA has filed for rights to six potential nicknames for Oklahoma City. Those six nicknames would be Barons, Bison, Energy, Marshalls, Thunder and Wind.

Color me even more unimpressed. At least Thunder won a mythical, mystical 64-name bracket (which I still have found no proof of…damn you Oklahoman). These other five just came out of nowhere. And how did Outlaws not make the cut? Oh well. If the goal was to make me like Thunder a lot more than I did a week ago than kudos to you David Stern. Let’s take a look at the six nicknames a little closer.

Barons: I don’t like it off the bat. Why? It reminds me of that picture to the left. Anything that reminds me of Michael Jordan grounding out and walking back to a dugout with his head down should be burned. Crossed off immediately and not getting a second chance. Just look at the picture.

Bison: Positives abut Bison…they are big, they are beasty and not too many people can kill them. In fact if you read some of the comments from Oklahomans they are all for their mascot being a Bison. I just think you have to be completely awesome to have a team name that doesn’t end in S. The Heat and Miami were perfect for each other. Ditto for the Jazz and New Orleans (yes I’m ignoring why Utah kept it). Even the Magic and Orlando had the unofficial Disney World tie-in. But Bison? Oklahoma City do you really want people to picture a Bison every time they talk about your city? Didn’t think so. Another negative…the Oregon Trail game. This one’s a personal one for me. If you don’t know in the Oregon Trail game you can kill bison and carry their large pounds of meat with you. Why I don’t like it? Because when I went to college my freshman year whenever I said I was from Oregon all people wanted to talk about was the Oregon Trail game. And I was even asked if I’d eaten bison. So no thank you, I don’t need to relive those scars watching a basketball game!

Energy: Really? The Energy? This sounds like the ultimate minor-league baseball, soccer, women’s basketball team in the history of life. It’s corny enough to work I mean I can already see the commercials…’Come feel the ENERGY!!!’ But instead of Russell Westbrook dunking I’m envisioning some sort of lacrosse team or a layup from Brittany Jackson. It just doesn’t work for me. Also breaks my ‘doesn’t end with S’ rule although I guess in this day and age it would be good for a city to be considered energy conscious. What would the logo be? A Hybrid? Even Heart got picked before Energy on Captain Planet…so no go.

Wind: Speaking of Captain Planet….Wind? Do I really need to be thinking of Linka every time that Oklahoma City plays? I don’t want to be humming Captain Planet while Kevin Durant shoots free throws. And I don’t want to be getting mad all over again because the black guy got Earth aka Dirt! So no thank you Wind! Take your blonde hair and go hang out with Captain Planet.

(On a serious note…Wind just sounds dumb. You know it. I know it. Let’s move on)

Marshalls: Does not scream NBA…or for that matter any sport to be honest. It actually reminds me of the department store that I never go into. I avoid it like the plague and I don’t know why. I guess I’d rather meet someone at the food court and not inside Marshall’s. This is also getting disqualified because it makes me think of the movie We Are Marshall and the fact that I was forced to try and take Matthew McConaughey seriously.

And that brings us back to Thunder, which after seeing the five alternatives has completely grown on me. It has Zeus and Thor backing it what can I say?