Doc Rivers. The spotlight is on you. At least mine anyway. Whether or not the C’s are going to win a game in LA (and by proxy a championship) it It on you and your coaching staff now. This is a game of chess. So far you had held your own…but now the Zenmaster has made his move. He’s unleashed Kobe in a way that is allowing him to get to the basket. He’s made Kobe a rover on defense which has completely messed up your spacing. Not only that but it’s not allowing Pierce to penetrate and forcing KG to pass on the four times he decides to post up. It has also made Rajon Rondo…dare I say… ineffective. You have to make an adjustment defensively to make it even tougher on Kobe. You also have to decide what to do with Rondo. He’s clearly injured. As much as you love his defense and his playmaking abilities, a 50% Rondo is not going to get it done. Especially considering they way the Lakers are treating him. I wouldn’t want a 50% Rondo, with no speed, jacking up jumpers and halfway trying to attack the rim. His greatest strength is gone…and now you must adjust. It’s a combination of Eddie House and Sam Cassell. That seems like the obvious answer….except you brought up Tony Allen’s name. This is your time to put your team in the best position to win. You probably should have gotten tossed under the first a little more for the Rondo sub for House in the 4th and your team looking like they were down 20 when they were down 6. Also, you will officially get my vote for worst coach ever if you can’t convince KG that he can go by Pau or to post him up. Make Tim Duncan call him or something.
Rajon Rondo. Your team wants you to play and you want to play…but if you’re not 100% then do not play. You will not help the Boston Celtics hobbled. You are not Isiah Thomas, you can not hobble around on one leg and be effective. He had a jumper to rely on. You…do not. Your greatest asset is your speed and it is no longer there. Besides you have enough on your plate trying to figure out how to fit in the offense now that they are disrespecting you. If you are healthy, and do play…be aggressive. And for pete’s sake get a scowl and some anger in your game, you have the Tim Duncan straight-face except you look like a scared little kid.
Paul Pierce. The good news: you cannot play much worse than you did last game and your team lost by 6. The bad news: you played like Boo Boo Swanson at his best, got caught out by TMZ and really it doesn’t get much worse than getting harassed by TMZ so I’ll leave it at that. Boston needs your offense. You are the #1 offensive weapon, act like it. Attack the basket, get to the foul line, don’t settle for fadeaways because Kobe is talking trash. Go back to being a Laker killer. Bottle up some of that aggressiveness Kobe displayed in the first two minutes and use it yourself.
Kobe. Keep attacking the basket. To dominate the game like you can you have to get to the line 10+ times. But…Please stop with the theatrics. I want to appreciate your game. I want to applaud you for adjusting to the Celtics defense. I want to be in awe of the relentless approach you took in Game 3. I want to pat you on the back for not letting your team lose, and taking over at the end of the game. However…you make it so hard to be likeable. You pout. You mug. You scream at your teammates constantly. You have the body language of a 15 year old girl on her period. Is it too much to ask for you to stop doing your best Rasheed Wallace impression every single time you don’t get a call? This is precisely while you’ll never be MJ, even if you win this series. People loved MJ. They cried with MJ. Do you really think that people are going to cry with you? Especially after you completely switched personalities when the Finals came around. No.
Kevin Garnett. Just do two post ups before you decide to start jacking up jumpers. Maybe you’ll get into a rhythm or something. Doubt it, I’m stupid for suggesting that. I really wish you would watch the first half of Game 1 and remember that’s what is working. Instead of sitting in a dark room in August wishing you had been more aggressive because Pau freakin Gasol was guarding you. Wouldn’t want you to lose anymore sleep…if that was possible.
Lamar Odom. Really hope your space shuttle has come back soon and you can get rid of your alien clone. Seriously…just play basketball. Be Lamar Odom. In Games 1 and 2 you were too passive. In Game 3 you were way too aggressive. Find a happy medium. Score 17 points and the Lakers win easy. Can you still do that?
Pau Gasol. Flash down the middle of the lane, dunk the ball and scream. Clothesline Kendrick Perkins. Do something manly. Because I’m tired of you playing like Margo Dydek. For those of you who don’t know who Margo Dydek is Google Image her. She’s 7’2, taller than Shaq, has played in the WNBA for nearly a decade…yet never averaged 10 boards a game. And anytime they lobbed it to her in the post she’d throw up a layup and usually miss. She also somehow just had a child, which means…someone had sex with Margo Dydek. Wow. Anyways back to you Pau…just do something. I won’t even mind if you miss four dunks, I’ll like the aggressiveness.
Derek Fisher. Where have you been? Somewhere Smush Parker is in a barbershop talking shit about you not showing up. And he’s slightly right. This is supposed to be your time to shine…and well…no shine yet. Haven’t seen any of those Derek Fisher clutch three’s. You’re a bad Game 4 away from getting put on blast, this is your warning.
Eddie House. You know how to do one thing. Score. Tonight…you will have chances to score. Just do it. I mean you dropped 61 against Cal your senior year, you can surely make open jumpers because Kobe is over helping.
Sam Cassell. Rondo hurt…this was supposed to be your moment. The entire reason you got out of purgatory (aka the Clippers) was to shine. And you really aren’t doing it. The routine is quite predictable. Come in….shoot. Make. Keep shooting, except terrible shots. If you would even think about having a shot selection the Celtics probably wouldn’t have gone to two game 7’s. Yet you don’t. And that’s why Tony Allen is in the discussion. Because you’re messing up.
Radmonovic. Stop fouling. If this was a game of pick-up somebody would have shoved you and yelled ‘Man! Quit fouling dog!’ and then play would have stopped for 10 minutes with zero punches thrown. You get the picture.
Jeanie Buss. Never dance again. Ever. Ever. Ever.