Fun With The Trade Machine


We’ve all heard about the Kobe and KG saga. I am in definitely one of those people who think that at the end of the day neither of these guys are getting traded. Kobe won’t because the Lakers are not that dumb. Jerry Buss does not want to go down in the history books as the guy who traded Shaq AND Kobe away. The Lakers need to have a star on that marquee. You think celebs are going to go to Staples to see Luol Deng? I think not. KG isn’t getting traded because he has entirely too much leverage. Minnesota has only so many places they can trade him and all KG has to say is those two words ‘OPT OUT’ and there goes the interested team. I see it as Minnesota being a guy, other interested teams like Boston and Phoenix being a good looking girl…the two start talking, everything is going good until that friend comes by and says ‘We’re leaving now’ for no reason. KG’s “I’m opting out” is the equivalent of “We’re leaving now”. But I disgress.

Sitting here, I wondered to myself ‘What if?’ Thus I started messing around with the Trade Machine, just to see what trades would be possible. Remember I am saying possible as in they would fit under the rules, not that any of these trades would happen. Plus I figured if Kevin Pritchard wasn’t going to figure out how to get rid of Zach Randolph, maybe I could. Yes, I’ll be here all week. This is what boredom and curiousity will do for you people. Again, if you don’t see most of my sarcasm then you’re dumb.

Trade #1: Portland sends Zach Randolph to Memphis for Pau Gasol

Why not? Like a high-low with Oden on the block and Pau at the top of the key wouldn’t be dangerous.

Trade #2: Portland sends Zach Randolph and Raef LaFrentz to Minnesota for Kevin Garnett

Again…why not? KG, Oden and B-Roy? Dangerous.

Trade #3: Lakers send Kobe Bryant to Miami for Jason Williams, Alonzo Mourning and Antoine Walker

I would laugh. Hard.

Trade #4: Minnesota sends Kevin Garnett to Cleveland for Larry Hughes and Zydrunas Ilgauskas.

If Minnesota is going to lose KG they might as well get something for it right? Two solid guys who led the Cavs to the Finals they could do it in Minny right? LeBron finally gets some help and the Cavs become…unstoppable?

Trade #5: Sacramento sends Ron Artest and Shareef Abdur-Rahim to the Lakers for Vladimir Radmonovic and Kwame Brown

The Lakers and Kings are on great terms and would be willing to make each other better. The Maloofs definitely are not still sitting at the Palms real bitter about what went down in the 2000’s. But the Kings get rid of their head-case, get a shooter to spread the floor and another “low-post threat” to play with Brad Miller. Ya know one who has some athleticism left.

Trade #6: Portland sends Zach Randolph to Philadelphia for Samuel Dalembert and Kevin Ollie

With Dalembert, Aldridge and Oden…you’re shooting jumpers against the Blazers. The Sixers meanwhile get a low-post threat which would make Iguodala’s life much easier and allow Kyle Korver to just stroke even more. Kevin Ollie can hangout with Dan Dickau and his fam.

Trade #7: Minnesota sends Kevin Garnett to Denver for Marcus Camby and Kenyon Martin.

But…Denver gets the power trio of KG, AI and Melo while Minnesota gets Camby and one knee K-Mart.

Trade #8: Phoenix sends Shawn Marion to Atlanta for Joe Johnson

Purgatory trade. Joe Johnson realizes his sins of thinking that leaving Phoenix was a good idea while Marion pays for his sins of saying he would want to leave Phoenix to be the number one guy.

Trade #9: Utah sends Andrei Kirilenko to Boston for Wally Sczerbiak

Casual exchange of white guys. Utah gets a shooter which will make their pick and roll even more deadly. Do you guard Deron Williams? Boozer? Or he could skip to Okur or Sczerbiak. Not fun huh? Boston meanwhile could make a move to appease their fans and hopefully renew the man formally known as AK-47.

Trade #10: Clippers send Corey Maggette and Cuttino Mobley to Boston for Paul Pierce and Tony Allen

An exchange of scorers…Neither team loses much. Corey Maggette can now be the man while Cuttino can be Cuttino. Meanwhile the Clippers have Brand, Pierce and a hobbled Cassell.

Trade #11: Minnesota sends KG to New York for Stephon Marbury and Channing Frye

Starbury returns to Minnesota, Channing Frye can play in the post while New York gets their savior in KG.
(I’d like to take this time to note that I haven’t failed in making any trades succeed. Neither have I made any that make sense)

Trade #12: Phoenix sends Shawn Marion to Utah for Andrei Kirilenko and Gordon Giricek

Boozer and Williams see two of the Euros go bye-bye and welcome the Matrix to the fold. Phoenix gets a guy who can do everything but shoot and a guy who pretty much only shoot. But they would get some D. And their white.

Trade #13: Portland sends Zach Randolph and Darius Miles to Miami for Shaquille O’Neal

Come on now…like you wouldn’t want to just watch Shaq and Greg Oden interact. If I was Portland I would do this and just have cameras follow Oden and Shaq all day on PPV.
And now for the coup de gras, the completely nonsensical blockbuster involving at least four stars that would never ha
ppen in a million years!

TRADE #14: Minnesota sends KG to the Lakers, Phoenix sends Shawn Marion to Boston, Boston sends Paul Pierce to Phoenix and Sebastian Telfair to Minnesota and the Lakers send Kwame Brown and Lamar Odom to Minnesota

Not even gonna try.