Do you like forced half-rhymes? How do you feel about me making a mockery of a famous poem? Cool with both? Awesome!
T’was the eve of preseason, and from James down to Shumpert,
The players all claimed that they’d worked on their jumpers.
Glad that the offseason soon would be done,
The fans even fell for “we’ll get out and run!”
The Blazers fans prayed, hands clasped over chest,
That no ACLs would be torn at Fan Fest.
A week into camp, the whole team was ballin’,
Then down went LA, D-Wright and McCollum.
Fans everywhere hope, from their heads to their feet,
That they’ll be the ones to prevent a threepeat.
Because Miami, those pr*cks, are still thanking the Lord,
And scratching their heads–”How did Chris get that board?”
The OKC Thunder would be heirs to the throne,
But with Russ out, KD’ll have to go it alone.
Their fans will be furious, and the league will be smirkin’,
When they see that Scott Brooks still likes to play Perkins.
Chicago’s a threat, with a title in sight,
Unless Thibs plays Rose for 48 a night.
The Los Angeles team, that venerable crew,
are HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Hah. Moving along…
So it might be the Pacers who pose the most danger–
But the whole thing hinges on the health of D. Granger.
Between him and Scola, their bench should be fine,
But only if his surgeon gave him liquid ’09.
The Nets have reloaded, but are still doomed to failure,
Since most of them learned as kids from watching Elgin Baylor.
Golden State’s operation could break down in a hurry,
Thanks to those flimsy tendons on Curry.
Everyone’s waiting to find out who’s startin’
In tonight’s game with the Clips at the…Moda Center.
I can’t be there, my schedule’s too messy,
Between my Calc work and this damn Anthro essay.
We’ll make Chris Paul fall! We’re gonna bake Blake!
And we’ll stomp all over Jamal Crawford, the flake.
Every loose ball, we’ll be the ones to grab it,
And no one really minds the loss of Luke Babbitt.
Preseason starts tonight! Let everyone be advised,
Wait–what the hell do you mean it’s not televised?
Ugh. C’mon, Blazers.